Wishful thinking
by R Junkie
Summary: Does it really cloud our judgment? Or is it as true as our feelings? Haru observes recent developments then decides to step in. Anti chapter 86. Yuki X Tohru.


Wishful thinking.

Disclaimer

I don't own Yummy Yuki or any other Fruits Basket character.

Fruits Basket belongs to Takaya Natsuki.

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_"Its clear in my mind _

_after all this time_

_what I feel, my love_

There are so many times 

_that the sun doesn't shine_

_but I'm here, my love_

_And today is the day."_

Today, Poe 

Hatsuharu's P.O.V.

Human beings are a true mystery.

Even with a fully functional mind, they can still be so dense. 

And sometimes, they need things spelled out for them.

Obvious things, things that are crystal clear to others, can be the most difficult concept for them to grasp.

Believing.

Why?

Why do they doubt themselves?

Why do they torment themselves by agonizing over what they think they can't have or can't be…?

I'm not like that. I'm merely an observer.

Maybe I think a little too much as well, but agonizing over things isn't really my thing…my black side takes care of that for me. I can vent and rant, and feel better later.

Others don't have the luxury of another personality, so maybe I'm being a little harsh.

I believe that people should always fight for what they believe in.

Without fear. Without uncertainty. 

But circumstance can make them hesitant about themselves.

About the world.

Yuki's like that.

I worry about him a lot. Not as much anymore, but he was so frail in the past. The smallest word would break him. Make him lament over what he thought he did wrong, misinterpret his feelings; warp his mind with dark thoughts and doubt.

Over the years, I watched Yuki try to rebuild himself a million times, only to have Akito blow everything away with a look or a touch. And Yuki would get that look in his eyes; the one that screams out for release from this madness, this downward spiral of despair and regret and anger. 

When he gets that look in his eyes, I know that Akito is involved somehow.

He has too much control over Yuki for comfort.

But Yuki's getting better now. Over the last year or so, he has come so far with his feelings; with everything he hated about himself.

He can say them out loud.

He now knows that he isn't an unwanted presence, an inconvenience, or a nuisance.

He started putting his feelings into words. He started worrying about himself, trying to live. 

To accept what he is, what he has done and what he wants to do.

It's amazing to watch someone do that.

He is much stronger than he gives himself credit for, and soon, he will reach his goal. 

Soon, he will leave this prison.

He will leave the nest behind.

And I wait for the moment when he'll finally be able to smile without reservation, for the rest of his life.

Honda San is to thank for this. 

She's the one who melted Yuki's distrusting heart, the one who soothed his wounded soul.

She's doing the same for Kyo.

She's exactly what they need. 

I wanted to be something like that, for Yuki. 

To be the reason he smiles so gently, walks so determinedly, talks so freely.

Without hesitating.

To save him as he saved me.

I have always loved him. I love him in different ways and for different reasons. My family, Rin, Yuki; they are all I have in this life.

I love them. 

And I recently realized what I must do for Yuki, what he needed from me.

He didn't need me to tell him that I loved him because he knew that. He needed someone who was a complete stranger to accept him, with all his so-called 'faults'.

Only then would he have believed that he was some one worthy of affection, and only then would he understand my love for him.

And that's what Honda San did for him.

But I'm not jealous, because he knows that I am there for him.

He's been there for me too.

In the end, I just want him to be happy.

It's good to see him and Kyo not fighting. Their arguments are now of mild annoyance, not physical violence. 

Lately though, something about Yuki is…off. I can't put my finger on it, but something happened to him. I don't even have to guess who's responsible for this.

Akito. 

Akito knows exactly what each and every one of us fears and desires. He knows how to pull our strings and play with our thoughts.

Molding them into what he wants; usually misery.

Yuki most of all.

The way Yuki looks at Honda San now, I don't know what to make of it, but I know that I don't like it.

He's come too far to stumble now.

I won't let him do that to himself.

He's still healing; he needs Honda San by his side. No, he doesn't desperately need her. He tried healing himself long before he met her, but it was her who inspired him to keep on trying.

He could go on without her, he's stronger now.

Still, his feelings for her are something he has to acknowledge. Whether there will be something between them, that's for them to decide.

I know what he feels for her, and it's not to be taken lightly. It should not be distorted or corrupted.

That must be it, what Akito said.

But that's something Yuki has to share with me. So until then, I will be here, watching him; waiting for him to tell me, guiding him without pressure.

Yuki is like that.

Sometimes, he lets things get to him. They confuse him, and make him question everything. Sometimes, he ends up on the wrong side of the matter, but he eventually realizes his mistakes.

He needs to discover them for himself, otherwise, he won't truly realize the significance of his feelings.

It's the reward for his struggles.

In one of Shigure-sensei's books, there was a character who analyzed every word and gesture made by those around him. He let paranoia keep him from happiness, and lived his entire life by the phrase, 'In my experience, nothing good is real. The world is a bitter place and happiness is nothing but wishful thinking.'

When I told Yuki about it, he smiled sadly and agreed. He said 

that wishful thinking was his only defense against the curse, and that he knew he was fooling himself with it, wishing for a chance at life when he would never have it.

He didn't think he deserved a chance at life.

That was so long ago; I wonder what he would say about it now.

I look for him, and find him with the other student council members. I ask to speak to him, and when we're a good distance away from the others, I ask what he thinks.

"Didn't you ask me about this before?" He replies, looking a little confused.

"I want to know what Yuki thinks about it now." 

He looks away slightly, and smiles, as if reminiscing. "The world isn't all dark, and happiness is something that can be gained if one works hard enough for it."

Good. You've come a long way, Yuki.

"What about wishful thinking?"

"That is something that can mislead someone. It can make you misunderstand your feelings, and believe in something that could never be."

Was that it? Was Yuki's wishful thinking the reason?

"How do you know it's never meant to be?" 

"Because, on examining things around you, you realize that it has blinded you to many obvious things."

"How do you know that those obvious things are as you see them? How do you know that the way you see things isn't influenced by how you feel?" Can't you see what you're doing to yourself? Why do you still doubt yourself, Yuki?

"Isn't that what I said? That wanting something so desperately makes you misinterpret everything around you?" He's getting exasperated with me, but I know he won't walk away. 

"But how do you know that it isn't you who's misreading things because you doubt yourself?" 

"Haru, what are you trying to say?" He's looking annoyed now.

"I know that Yuki will find his happiness, and that it will be exactly as he wished it."

He looks surprised, then shakes his head, "No, it's not like I wished it." He whispers, "Not like that at all." 

"Then Yuki must re examine his feelings, and decide if things are really that way. Yuki must be sure that his feelings are his own, and not influenced by anything else." You have to overcome Akito's poison. You have to pull yourself together, unwavering.

He looks angry for a second, and I know that he wants to say that he is aware of his own feelings and so on. Then a pensive expression crosses his face, and I know that there's still hope.

"I will, thanks Haru."

As we walk back he turns to me.

"What about you, Haru?"

Why do you worry about others when you should focus on your self? 

You're much too kind, Yuki.

"You already know that I am quite the dreamer, but I also, will fight on."

He smiles.

We meet Honda San on her way to the library.

"Yuki Kun! Hatsuharu San!"

"Hello, Honda San!" Yuki replies.

I nod my greeting, watching them. This could be what Yuki needs to cement what I said to him.

"I wanted to borrow a book on the French Revolution for the paper that's due tomorrow." She explains.

"Well, if you like, you can borrow the book I have. It has everything you need to include in the essay." Yuki suggests.

"Eh? Really? Doesn't Yuki Kun need it for his own paper?"

"Don't worry about it, I already finished with it. It's on my desk at home."

"Thank you, Yuki Kun!" She beams.

"Honda San, what do you think about something like wishful thinking?" I ask, not caring if it's completely off topic.

Yuki opens his mouth to say something, then closes it and turns back to her.

"Wishful thinking?" She replies.

"Yes. Someone once said happiness is nothing but wishful thinking."

"But happiness is indeed real. It's something that we can hold with our hands!" She argues, "And wanting something, wishing for something, is natural." 

"But can it be a bad thing? Clouding one's better judgment?"

I glance over at Yuki as I reply. He's watching with great interest, his fists are clenched at his sides. I know that Honda San will say what I want him to hear.

"Us humans, we desire so many things in this life. It's a basic human characteristic. Maybe if we want something badly enough, it can make us less perceptive of what is contrary to our desires. But ultimately, wishing for something, is not without striving to make that wish real, not without honesty with ourselves and the world. When we are honest with ourselves, we realize what we need and work towards that goal, wanting to hold it in our hands, wanting to succeed. If we wish and try hard enough, surely we must succeed. We must always believe rather than doubt."

She looks at Yuki as she speaks, and when she's done, they share a look that is part astonishment, part longing and all truth.

I walk away. I am no longer needed at the moment. I allow myself to smile; Yuki will surely re-examine his feelings and triumph, he's much stronger than he gives himself credit for. Surely, he will realize exactly what it is they have. 

Without hesitation, without doubt.

Yuki, Hang in there.

Fight.

I have my own wishes as well; I wish for reconciliation with Rin. I will give her space for now, but I will not be too far away. I will make her remember that what we have is something to be treasured. She will know how much I love her. 

Readying myself for the battle.

It won't come without work, and it will take time, but I believe in the strength we have in us. Our will to live or lives, care for each other, and find happiness. 

To continue wishing, and realize our dreams.

We will overcome.

And that's not just wishful thinking.

_"Today is the day_

_we break free"_

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TA DA~ My anti chapter 86 piece. Agonized over chapter 86 for a day and then strained my brain for a possible Yukiru fic idea. Then it came to me when I was thinking about a certain dense person I know, me! Wrote it over a couple of hours. Spur of the moment stuff is always good.

I hope Haru was in character. I wanted to emphasize my belief that Akito's the reason behind Yuki current frame of mind. I know that Yuki will get over this and give love another shot! He has doubted his feelings in the past way too often for me to buy that he truly feels that way about Tohru, and there's no way anyone can disregard all he's done and all he's says to her, even if he says it was an act… sorry, don't buy that. Yuki will be back, stronger than ever! GANBATTE YUKI!

My cuddly li'l sister isn't here to read this for me, but my dear friend Ashmh was kind enough to help me out, so THANK YOU! Your comments were so kawaii!

I don't know about anyone else, but I definitely feel better!

YUKI AND TOHRU FOREVER! 

^_^ Let me know what you think!


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